Sunday, Feb. 17, 2008 - 10:10 pm
ten ten and all is well
I have found that nothing helps me sleep better than typing. reading rarely works as a sleep-inducer for some reason... maybe it's too action packed for me. anyway.
either i'm at a plateau, or i'm truly learning to feel comfortable with this stage in my life, because, lately, i've been experiencing a very nice feeling of contentment. not complancent contentment... maybe satisfaction is a better word. Or just feeling happy and not as worried. i like my job. i am happy with who i am and how i live and where i am going, well not where i am going, but where i could be going. because i'm thinking less about the details of the future and more about the quality of the future.
i am learning to compliment myself and that's a weird thing, but good in that i am learning to appreciate myself. this equals less dramatic woeful thoughts about how i should do ridiculous things in order to separate myself from all the pain i feel.
i want to keep increasing the distance between how i feel right now and that dark part of myself.
.........
for some reason i've had a lot of thoughts lately about q and why that summer went the way it did. and that it is too bad that things happened they way they did. guess i just wonder sometimes about how things could have been differently- because i am so much committed to this relationship now and i've never been in such a solid place as this. i have always been afraid of committing, mostly because of this fear i have of missing out on something else. i think that fear comes partially from the fact that i'm afraid to accept happiness and it's a nice way to indirectly sabotage feelings and relationships. but i don't know why q is the one that comes up in thoughts and dreams and nightmares. i guess i never got closure with q and then there was the akwardness at the end of my internship. which could have been imagined on my part. for all i know, what happened could have meant very little to him. i still don't know why it is on my mind as much as it is. and, specifically, why it is so much only in the back of my mind. whatever the reason, i am very aware that no matter what the good points were, it didn't work out and he didn't make an effort to connect in the end which doesn't reflect well on the level of his interest.
...............
in all we've settled into a nice routine and things are nice and happy. i am finding that the more regular sleep i get, the less depressed i feel, the less i need the medication, and the more stable i feel.
it felt really good to help with the puppies today at petsmart. i like that i've turned into a dog person and that i found a group to volunteer with.
time for sleep.
